Sweet Apple Pie!!
Thanks @kattscrapfever for forging the #greenlantern ring. #comic #green #wipeoutrace
Super stoked for some local @dogfishbeer love in the valley! #dogfishhead #beer
Happiest #Cinnabon Ever!!! @cinnabon #fresno
All the ribcage love me!!! #ribs #awesome #signlove #fresno #epic
Sweet shrimp all up in the grill! #Sushi #shrimp #awesome (at Sakura Chaya)
Trashique #butterfly models. #fresno #fashion #trash
Anyone can just get a #beer but it tastes so much sweeter when it’s earned! #toughmudder #victorybeer
Getting my gear ready for #toughmudder #vegas!! #awesomesauce #twistedkilts
Sunset at Woodward Park #sunset #fresno #sky (at 6 mile trail Woodward Park)
Opening day #fresno #grizzlies #instagrizz first national anthem. (at Chukchansi Park)
As I sit here in my living room. Sitting Indian style in front of my coffee table typing away on my laptop with a candle lit because I like its smell and a beer to the left of me. My “acoustic” playlist playing through my Bluetooth speakers, it is calm and relaxing and my windows are open letting in a slight chill to my dimly lit living room. I reach for my beer and I take a sip of this “gluten free” beer…it is not bad…it is actually tasty. This is going to be pretty much blog vomit in its finest form. Live unfiltered, uncut, unedited (except for spell check) so be prepared to get a view into my life as I am living it at this moment. Perhaps you will get some insight on who I actually am and perhaps understand a few things about me and we can become closer because of it. This is not a destination but a journey!
I guess the first thing we should tackle is why I have named this blog such. Well it is obvious that I am single, but the more pressing question is why I am single. As I paused for a minute, I realized that is no simple question. Sure, I can could tell you I am “picky” or “I am waiting for the right one” but those would be lies. I guess to put it best is when you are often reinforced by those who are around you that are in relationships that they wish they could be where I am now and that I should stay single for as possible you kind of shy away from relationships.
However, it goes much further than that. This is just what is happening in the now, my actual last relationship where I actually called someone my “girlfriend” and truly meant it was more than 6 years ago. Yeah I know that is a long time to be single but I have dated in between that time but that’s as far as it goes…it never develops into more. Either they find someone else or I lose interest or they are stage 5 clingers and I found out a little too late or I find them on the rebound.
Then again I can go even further…broken relationships have been a part of my existence since I was a child. The only stable relationship I knew was my Grandparents and while my mother went from one marriage to the next, relying on those men to help support her and she embraced everything about them and their lives, I looked at her and found her to be a lost soul. Someone who does not know who they are as a person and never figured that out. I saw this as a major flaw. How can you live your life without knowing what you want out of life? How can someone be content with not having his or her own hobbies, likes, desires, or passions? Would you not get tired of embracing other people’s desires and passions? Perhaps subconsciously, I sabotage my thoughts and dating situations because I am in fear of this…hold on let me take another sip.
Oh crap not this song…Ryan Adams – Wonderwall…this song is very haunting and I might even tear up a little.
Moving on this is a live blog and as I type, I am living my life around it. There will be pauses, I will walk away and get something, go to the bathroom or get something to eat, and I will tell you about it.
So, relationships to me seem like a very negative thing and it is really hard to break this chain of thought considering all that is around me. Friends divorcing and friends who are unhappy and envy me for being single…that is rather sick…I envy them because they have something that I want but they tell me I do not. It is like if I wanted a beer very badly but someone kept telling me that you don’t want that beer it’s not worth it or naw you don’t want that crap it tastes terrible. After a while, one would come to believe it. ::SIP::
Another problem that I have come to develop is that I am often afraid to be upfront about my feelings and have come to realize that when I am it is either not reciprocated or I have come on too strong and they just wanted to be “friends” or “take things slow” well sooooorrrryyyy I felt a connection and I wanted to tell you about it. So now, I hide my feelings and that is probably not the best thing to do considering when I show them it is always too late.
Another powerful song just came on… Daughter – Landfill……::sip:: “I want you sooo much, but I hate your guts.””
I have this misnomer about me that I cannot seem to escape. People have this feeling that I am a habitual dater and that I seem to know everyone and that I am always out being social and doing social activities. Well to prove you all wrong I am at home now listening to Penelope by Saosin and singing along. I am currently not seeing anyone (thanks to sabotage and I do not mean the song by Beastie Boys) so there! Social media has rather ruined that for me. I used to be much more social and did many more things 5 years ago than I do now. I have come to appreciate my alone time more than social time but we will get into that later. So no, I am not always out and “having fun” no I do not date constantly, so for those who think that you need to stop thinking that because it is not truth.
I will be back I am going to grab some chips and salsa because well I happen to adore chips and salsa.
Ok I am back…man that store bought salsa is good…just has the right amount of heat.
Well I guess I have stalled long enough…so that alone time I have talked about. Ever since not having a roommate I have declined in my social functions and wanting to go out all the time. The problem is that I have become a little too accustomed to it and coming home to myself and only having to worry about myself has been decent but it has gotten lonely. Sure I have spaz and she is a wonderful companion to have but I miss human contact but now that I have gotten used to this it has gotten hard. There have been thoughts of “when are you going to leave” or “ummmmm yeah this movie needs to end so they can go home.” I know that sounds harsh and mean but I am sure you cannot say you have not thought it at some point. I just do not want those thoughts anymore. I want to have a girl to come over more than once a week and actually spend quality time with her but stupid single time…stupid stuck in his ways Chad.
I got a text…my good friend Jared is at Yard House…. I think I shall join him and have some social time. That guy is a good guy and when I come back, it will lead into my portion about friendships.
Friendships should never be taken for granted and that is why I hold some friendships so close. I have another misnomer about me and that I “know” everyone. I have met a lot of people and I give most of them the label of acquaintances. The question to myself now is why are they not friends. I have met many people and most of them are cool people but why have they not graduated from casual acquaintances to friendships. I often think that some people in here think they are superior to me because of their “local fame” and connections. Now I could be completely wrong and this is my perception of them. Why have I not gone through the loops and hoops to see if they are this way, well I am not too sure? Perhaps I just like to chalk them up to that category of being too popular or something of that nature. We do have a very cliquish crowd here and it is often hard to break into. So instead of breaking into it and showing them who I am and how I can contribute I just let go. I often think these acquaintances think ill of me considering all of the events I see happen and I am often not invited. Then again, perception is reality.
Chips, salsa, and a mixed drink to finish the night. More acoustic music to set the blog mood.
Coldplay – Lost?
With this song playing in the background, I am wondering if I am actually lost. Even at the age of 31, is there still soul searching to do? Are there growth opportunities? Are there things I need to change about myself to turn things around? The answer is YES to all of those questions. Life is a never-ending soul search of opportunities to turn you around and change things! Am I lost? NO, I am on a journey toward bettering myself and creating better relationships and friendships. I have my faults, I accept that, I have done wrong to those who did not deserve it, I understand that, and I am sorry. For those of you who I do not know very well and I have cast judgment on you or assumed certain things I am sorry as well.
There is no end just an opportunity to grow. I hope I have given you some insight to my life and perhaps some explanation of who I am and why I do certain things…….This is not the last of these types of blogs. This is a learning experience through speaking how I feel and what is going on in my life. ::sip:: I want to create great and productive relationships with all of you. If you have taken the time to read all of this then I know you are someone who I want in my life because you cared enough about mine to read all of this jabber. Send me a message, text me, tweet me, comment do whatever it takes. I want to change my ways and create great things…….this single Chad who has been set in his ways is going to change as of now!